Coffee Brewing Tiers

So, you want to get into coffee brewing? Maybe you already are, but unsure of where you fit in the hierarchy. If so, good. The world of coffee is ruthless, so you better know where you fit in.

E-Tier — Freeze-dried sadness

Freeze-dried coffee is only acceptable for non-coffee drinkers. It lives in your cabinet only to get offered up whenever you have guests. But let’s be honest, you don’t get a lot of guests if freeze-dried is the only coffee you’ve got. At least not a varied clientele.

Freeze-dried should under no point in your life be the go-to. You can do better.

D-Tier — Drip drip drip

You need caffeine, taste is irrelevant. Drip coffee is almost always brewed with pre-ground coffee from the supermarket; made in a brewer not cleaned since the late eighties. Never impressive, but few people will complain.
It’s fine.

C-Tier — Capsules and other fully automated brews

Drip coffee is what you get at your parent’s house. It’s lame. But you don’t actually want to learn about coffee. Enter capsules. George Clooney is Nespresso’s spokesperson. He’s both hot and classy! By proxy so are you. Capsules come in different colors and tastes. Hey, you just made the coffee- process interactive!
This tier also includes all the other fully automatic solutions. The coffee is not the important thing here; it’s all about how impressive the machines themselves are — the more functions, the better. Just like gears on your bicycle when you were a kid.

B-Tier — Try hards live here

Enough playing around. You’re a grown-up and grown-ups need proper coffee! Time to stop buying pre-ground coffee from the supermarket.
After watching all of James Hoffman’s videos, you’ve found the perfect plastic or glass gadget for you. Is it the popular Aeropress? Maybe the classic Chemex. They’re not even that expensive. But then you realize you need a proper grinder as well, netting at least a hundred dollars. A water boiler with exact temperature settings, a scale, and a thermometer. Double-walled Bodum glass mugs? Yeah, and specialty coffee. At least you’re legit now and can talk about things like Arabica versus Robusta, and how switching from a brewing temperature of 81 degrees to 79 made all the difference in the world.

A-Tier — Italian wannabe

Who even drinks that watered-down mud-water? Not you, that’s for sure. Espresso is the only way of getting that sweet, sweet caffeine. You need a proper espresso machine, none of that automatic crap. It’s not going to be cheap, but boy do you look cool expertly crafting the perfect espresso. Half of the experience is sound, so make sure to really bang out the puck once the brew is done.

The A-Tier is also the perfect tier if you don’t like coffee, but are too ashamed to admit it. Make a Latte instead, or even better, a Mocha! Creating passable latte “art” is surprisingly easy with practice. You can even use water and dish soap as a milk replacement when mastering the heart or tulip shape.
On top of beans and grind size, you can also add pressure to the list of conversation topics.

S-tier — Self roast

If you roast your own beans, the brewing method becomes irrelevant. No one understands the hardship of coffee like you, and only you know which method best fits your beans.
You need the proper gear in this tier as well. Although it is possible to roast coffee using a popcorn machine, no one will take you seriously if you do.

How far down the tier list do you want to go? It’s only caffeine-water, after all.

Or is it?